It's been a Month

It's been a month since my mom died.  I am still trying to get "Thank You" notes out.  I can usually whip them out within a week, but writing these are draining.  "Thank you for ......  Mom would have been so honored..... "  It's hard writing to people and speaking "for" Mom at the same time.

It's been a month, and I still pick up my phone to call her on my way home from work.  Her phone hasn't been cut off, so I call anyway just to hear her voicemail message.  I also still dream about her like she's still here.

It's been a month, and I am still wearing waterproof mascara, because I never know when I'll burst into tears.  Driving home from work is typically when you can find me crying.  At our doctor's appointment, when we were watching the sonogram, all I could think was "I wish my mom could see this!"

It's been a month, and every Tuesday, I think "Mom died [x] weeks ago."  When will I stop counting?

It's been a month, and we still haven't completely cleaned out Mom's room.  I liken it to "Empty Nest" syndrome---you know, like when your kids go off to college?  We're keeping it set up just in case she decides to come home.  I walk past the room and feel empty.

It's been a month, and people stil ask me how I am.  WTF?!  How do I respond to that?  How do I put into words how I am?  I'm devestated.  But, you can't say that to people, because it's awkward for them.  So, I just smile and say "I'm doing great."

It's been a month............